And How This Will Help Your Client
In grief support, “taking the lead” is often seen as not done. As a grief psychologist and trainer, I often hear this question:
“Shouldn’t I just follow my client? Let them decide what they need?”
It sounds beautiful. Respectful. Empathetic. But here’s the problem: when it comes to grief, this approach doesn’t work.
In fact, leaving control with your grieving client often increases confusion, helplessness, and stagnation. And that’s the last thing you want for them.
In this complete guide for grief counselors, therapists, and coaches, I’ll explain:
- Why you must take the lead in grief counseling.
- How to do it with compassion and respect.
- What helps you as a professional to feel confident in this role.
I’ll share insights from 25 years of working with grief, client stories, and how leadership and knowledge come together in the CIRKEL Approach, a model I developed to guide professionals in grief support.
🎧 Also listen to the podcast: Giving Your Client Tools for the Grieving Process.
What Grief Is (and What It Is Not)
Grief is a natural response to loss. It sounds simple, but it’s one of the most profound processes a human being can go through.
And grief is not limited to death. It also appears in divorce, loss of health, work, identity, or a future dream. That’s why taking the lead in grief counseling matters so much — it helps clients find direction when they are overwhelmed.
Grief is:
- A process that requires time and attention
- A movement between emotions, thoughts, and behaviors
- Deeply personal and unique for every individual
Grief is NOT:
❌ A problem to “fix”
❌ Temporary sadness that fades away on its own
❌ Just crying or feeling depressed
❌ A straight line upward after a low point
❌ Always visible on the outside
And perhaps the most dangerous misconception:
❌ Something you, as a counselor, can simply “follow.”
👉 Want to go deeper? Read my blog: What is Grief, Really?
The Myth of Client Control in Grief
In coaching and psychosocial support, you hear it everywhere:
“Always let the client take the lead.”
“The horse knows the way.”
But in grief counseling, this often backfires.
Grieving clients often don’t know what they need. They are caught in a fog of emotions, pain, and uncertainty. Questions like “When will this end?” or “What should I do now?” remain unanswered.
If you respond with, “What do you think you need?” or “What would you like?”, you risk making your client feel even more lost.
What happens then:
- More confusion for your client
- More helplessness for you
- A slower, stuck recovery process
🎧 Related podcast: Where Does the Client Find Stability?
Why Leadership Is Essential in Grief Support
Here’s the heart of it: grief requires leadership.
Not by telling your client what to feel or do.
But by providing structure, clarity, and direction.
When you take the lead, you give your client:
✅ Peace of mind — they don’t have to figure it out alone
✅ Confidence — they trust you know the way forward
✅ Direction — the process gains structure and flow
Think of it like this: you are Google Maps. Your client decides whether to walk or bike, or to take a detour — but you keep the map clear. Without you, they risk wandering endlessly.
Leading Without Patronizing
Some professionals ask me: “But Leoniek, isn’t that patronizing? Doesn’t it take away their autonomy?”
No. Leading is not the same as controlling.
It’s about saying:
“I see you. I know where you are in this process. And I know what can help right now.”
That creates safety, not dependency.
Common Pitfalls in Grief Counseling
From my trainings, I see the same struggles come up again and again:
❌ Thinking “following” is more important than leading
❌ Believing the client always knows what’s needed
❌ Avoiding direction out of fear of being “too much”
❌ Confusing chaos with freedom, instead of offering structure
These pitfalls don’t just hold you back — they also keep your client stuck.
The CIRKEL Approach: Knowledge as Compass
Taking the lead in grief counseling also means: knowing what you’re doing. That requires theory and practice combined.
In the Academy for Grief, I developed the CIRKEL Approach, a dynamic model that helps both you and your client see:
- Where someone is in their grief process
- Which interventions fit at which stage
- How to create direction without force
This makes the difference between:
🔄 endless circling and hoping something works
✨ or guiding with confidence, knowledge, and calm
Practical Tips: How to Take the Lead in Grief Counseling
📌 Name the process — show that grief has steps and shifts.
📌 Give clear frames — explain what is normal, and when it’s concerning.
📌 Use metaphors — like Google Maps or a lighthouse for recognition.
📌 Limit choices — too many options increase anxiety.
📌 Dare to set boundaries — kindly, but clearly.
A Personal Note
When my husband died and I was left with my young daughter, I thought: “She needs help.”
But the truth? I needed guidance too. And I didn’t get it. No one took the lead. I had to figure it out on my own.
That pain became my motivation.
Today, my mission is crystal clear: No one should have to navigate grief without direction.
Training: The Academy for Grief
Are you a coach, therapist, or psychosocial counselor who wants to feel strong and skilled in grief support?
In the Academy for Grief, you will learn how to:
- Use the CIRKEL Approach as a compass
- Choose fitting interventions at each stage
- Protect your own energy and boundaries
- Support clients with confidence, calm, and professionalism
It’s not just theory. It’s knowledge, real-life examples, Lutography (an online grief methodology), and peer reflection.
Conclusion: Your Client Needs You as a Compass
So no — you do not leave control with your grieving client.
You take the lead.
Not by patronizing, but by providing direction, knowledge, and safety.
Because grieving people don’t crave endless open questions or unlimited space.
They crave someone who says:
“I am here. I know how this process works. And I’ll walk with you, step by step.”
That is professional grief counseling.