One of the hardest things as a parent
One of the most difficult moments in a parent’s life is having to tell your child that mom or dad has died. This becomes even heavier when the death was caused by suicide—sometimes called self-destruction, self-inflicted death, or “a chosen death.” People use different terms, but the meaning is the same.
“His heart stopped beating”
I am often contacted by parents who say: “My partner has died, but I haven’t told the children it was suicide. What should I do?”
First of all, I’m relieved when someone reaches out to me, because it means they do want to tell the truth, but don’t know how. The fear is: how much pain do you cause your child by sharing the truth?
I once spoke with a woman whose husband had taken his life. She told her children: “His heart stopped beating.” That was a good start—because importantly, she hadn’t lied.
Children deserve honesty
In many families, honesty is a core value. Children are taught not to lie, and dishonesty is often punished. Growing up, they learn that truth matters. So what happens when you, as a parent, are not honest with them about what happened to mom, dad, or another loved one?
It creates a breach of trust.
Honesty above all else
Talking about suicide is painful and emotionally charged, but honesty is crucial. Children sense when something is off. If you withhold the truth, confusion or mistrust will follow.
I always ask parents: “Who else knows?” Because if others know, the risk is high that the child will hear the truth from someone else. And trust me—that moment will come.
I once worked with a girl of six whose mother had died by suicide. The father told her that mom had taken the wrong pills. At school, another child said: “Your mom hanged herself.” The girl denied it and insisted it wasn’t true. Later, her father confirmed it was. You can imagine the impact of such a betrayal.
Think about it this way: do you remember the moment you found out that Santa Claus wasn’t real? The shock, the denial? Multiply that feeling many times over—that’s what a child goes through when the truth about suicide comes out from others.
Explaining suicide to children
It’s natural to be in shock and struggle to find words after suicide. Some parents buy time by saying: “We don’t know yet how daddy died.” That can give you space to prepare. But as soon as possible, the truth should be shared.
Adapt your explanation to your child’s age:
- For younger children, you might say: “Daddy had an illness in his head. He was in a lot of pain and thought this was the only way to stop it.”
- For teenagers, you can explain more about depression, mental health, and emotions.
It’s rarely accurate to say “Daddy wanted to die.” More often, he wanted the pain to stop, not life itself.
If depression was involved, explain that depression is a real illness. It can make people believe the world is better off without them. Sometimes it’s a psychosis instead, where reality is distorted. A children’s book like Twinkel en de Hemelwolk by Miranda van der Vegt can help.
Keep explanations simple and age-appropriate
Children need clear, honest language. Say: “Daddy couldn’t go on anymore and ended his life.” Avoid dramatic or graphic details. Protect them from traumatic images.
If they ask how it happened, give truthful but careful answers. For example: “Daddy put a rope around his neck and hanged himself.” Or: “Daddy stood in front of a train.” Always add: “This is very dangerous, and you should never do this yourself.”
Sometimes children want details at different times. One child might ask more questions while another avoids them. Respect their pace and offer space for individual conversations.
Reassure them: it’s not their fault
Children often blame themselves. A boy once told me: “If I had hidden the car keys, daddy couldn’t have gone to the forest.” It’s vital to reassure them that suicide is never the child’s fault.
Also remind them: even though daddy ended his life, he truly loved them. A 10-year-old once asked her mother: “Did daddy think of us when he did it?” The mother honestly answered: “I don’t know. But I think he held on as long as he did because he didn’t want to leave you.”
The importance of honesty
Honesty builds trust and helps children feel safe. It teaches them that difficult emotions can be spoken about. If a child discovers that a parent lied, the damage to trust can last a lifetime.
That’s why it’s so important: let the truth come from you, not from someone else. Your child needs you when they hear something this painful.
Conclusion: start the conversation
It’s never easy to talk about suicide with children. But with empathy, patience, and honesty, you can help them face this reality and support their grieving process. Their wellbeing comes first—and your openness as a parent will help them feel less alone.
If you need guidance, you can always reach out through my website.